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He knows that cheaters in fact do prosper on the putt-putt course, especially if they’re any good at math, and if (and this is a big if) they somehow manage to keep the score card through the entire game. He knows that, for some inexplicable reason, putt-putt comes with go-carts, arcades and snotty kids running around with Fun Dip dripping from their fingers. He knows that each course is a multiple-ER-visit-worthy trip hazard. He knows its courses are either designed by a mechanical engineer or a group of drunk monkeys. He knows it’s a game that’s no fun with people who take it too seriously and, at the same time, a game that’s no fun with people who don’t take it seriously enough. He knows of festering holes that threaten with all sorts of festering diseases when he finally sinks a putt.
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He knows that someone will take an infinite number of practice strokes, lulling one into a stupor, until a younger someone will take a full baseball wind-up and snap one back into reality. He knows that in a game of putt-putt, it’s just as likely that you’ll get tetanus as a hole-in-one. Yes, the native knows that putt-putt is a game where your ball will at some point get stuck, dragged, eaten or drowned in some sort of windmill, dinosaur, shack, covered bridge or zombie tiki bar.
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Sure, they might brag about their putting skills on the “golf course,” but they haven’t played putt-putt with a native. I’ve trained too long and too hard for these moments. I love it when out-of-towners think they can come to my very own Pirate’s Treasure Trove of Dilapidated Astro-Turf and Sun Damaged Plastic Boulders.
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And, if you’re like me, you’ll relish it. No matter how much you hate golf and all of its associates, at some point you’ll have to play putt-putt or goony golf (named after a flock of goonies who landed on a course, attacked, and flew off with two 13-year-old boys who were flapping their arms and squawking like idiots). To live anywhere in Florida is to live within a one-mile radius of a putt-putt golf course.